Finding yourself at rock bottom

Looking back at the struggle I went through with addiction, I still shake my head at the hopelessness I felt and the thoughts of giving up that would creep into my mind what seemed like every second of everyday. It is hard to fathom at this point how bad I really was and how I made it here. I think that I was supposed to go through everything I did to find myself and realize who I really am. It is so easy to get beat down in this world and in doing so we lose our own self worth and forget how much good we can do in this world . I know for me after my addiction over took me to the point that I couldn’t hide it anymore, I felt labeled and thought that is what I would be from now on until I died.

In a small town people know your business whether you want them to or not. Being labeled an addict made my hopelessness grow, because it wasn’t just me that knew I was struggling it was everyone around me. Some people do not understand addiction and just wonder why the hell you don’t get your life together and stop doing what you are doing as if it were that easy. Slipping into addiction isn’t just a thought of taking a substance and then you are all of a sudden addict, at least not for me. It was a gradual process that slowly started to mask my depression and make me feel ” alive”.

Every moment I fell further into addiction I kept thinking I hit rock bottom, but I would continue to plummet further and further redefining the definition of bottom. The bottom came when I had nothing and no one left. Laying in an ICU with no one to call and no one coming. The feeling of no one, that loneliness crept into my mind and soul like a burglar in the night and took over without warning. When I realized I have hurt everyone I ever cared about. Pushed away the people who meant the most to me and destroyed myself in the process, I truly came face to face with my own worst enemy.

ME. Laying in the ICU I kept getting pumped full of drugs to stop the withdrawals of alcohol. I hallucinated so bad from the mixture of drugs they were giving me and the withdrawal itself. I ripped my IV out I don’t know how many times. I kept thinking everyone in the hospital was trying to kill me. By the fourth day I was there the hospital was beyond ready to get rid of me. My cousin happened to be one of the nurses at the hospital and after they kicked me out my cousin told me I could go stay with her for a little bit. This was a lie. My fiancé, who had dropped me off at the emergency room and told me to never talk to her again, had called my probation officer told him I was drinking again and was at the hospital.

My cousin was aware of this and when I got to the front doors of the hospital, there were two sheriffs waiting for me. I rode the long ride in the back of the car and they took me straight to jail. I had my hospital papers with me and prescriptions to keep me on for the next few weeks to make sure I didn’t have more seizures and to continue to help with the withdrawal. They kept me by myself for a while. I got moved to general population after a while and had a cell with one other guy. I felt horrible during all this. I was shaking non stop, I couldn’t eat or sleep and puked a lot.

The jail stopped giving me my medication once I got moved to general population. A couple days went by of feeling horrible. I was watching a college football game when I felt a weird feeling in my head and felt like there was a flash light shinning right into my eyes. I could only see out of my peripherals. I made my way back to my cell somehow and started to climb the ladder to get to my bed. The next thing I remember is waking up in the emergency room and getting my head stapled shut. Apparently I had climbed to the top bunk, had a seizure, fell hit my head off the metal desk that was bolted to my wall and busted my head opened.

I don’t remember any of that, but I promise you I felt it for a very long time. After they stapled my head shut, it was just the sheriff who had to be there with me since I was an inmate and me. He actually let me finish watching the same game I had been watching at the jail and he was a super nice guy. He asked me how I got here and why I was doing this to myself. As I told him the story and hearing myself say it I realized all the things that led to me being depressed, I realized all the things that led to my addiction and how pointless it was to let all that weigh me down from becoming who I truly was and creating a wonderful future instead of staying in this death loop.

That rock bottom. Lying in the E.R. as an inmate, telling my story to a caring sheriff, changed my outlook forever and for once in my life I truly had found my real, true self and I have never looked back. Your rock bottom doesn’t have to be that bad. Find yourself before that and realize with help and support and belief in yourself you can overcome addiction and get back to the life that God intended for you. We might stray from the our intended path, but with hope and belief and a strong will we will always find our way back. Stay strong!